Dating Tip: How do you act when you like someone?
October 5, 2009 by admin
Filed under Dating Advice
One of the most popular questions I get from my blog is “what is the right way to act when I like someone?” Fearful of making the wrong move and blowing the connection, my single clients often get confused as to the “rules” of dating. Just the simple idea that they are afraid to make the wrong move is already a sign that they have already lost control.
I know how tough it is, you finally meet someone you connect with after dozens of duds and a tension builds inside as if you are hanging on to him with a very fine thread. Any false move can trigger a reaction that sends him running for the hills for cover from your insecurities or pressure to commit. Interesting, you may notice that you never seem to feel this tension when you are involved with someone you do not like as much. When you don’t care, you relax and avoid over-analyzing every conversation and every minute in between phone calls or dates. Why is it that you lose your cool with someone you find attractive?
When you really want love and put the man in the driver’s seat of the relationship, you are left to feel helpless and vulnerable to his responses. Instead of putting you on a pedestal, you put him up there hoping that he will return your loving advances. After you choose to do this, you wonder why he doesn’t pursue you or treat you with more respect. The answer is because you do not expect it…really. You are the one who put yourself at the disadvantage.
When you meet someone new, you put him in a category of his attainability based on your own self-judgment. If you don’t feel good enough, every man you like will unconsciously pick up your insecurities and respond to you as not good enough. However, if you feel like the prize, an amazing gift to his life, you will find that he will work harder to win your affection instead of vice versa. You place yourself on the pedestal and he follows suit to try to earn your love.
I am not talking about becoming egotistical, but a good amount of self-love and seeing your own worth can propel your love life to a new level. You will find men will want to please you, call you and treat you like the amazing catch you are. You see, everyone treats you with the same respect you give yourself. When you feel good about yourself, you also can see the best in him and he will automatically feel good around you. He will want to spend more time with you.
When you honor yourself, you naturally act the “right way” and do not need a handbook of rules to follow to catch a man. If he asks you to do something that you are uncomfortable with such as driving to meet him or sleeping with him too soon, ask yourself if you feel honored and respected. If not, you can clearly communicate to him your boundaries in a nice, loving way. After that, if your new man gets mad or leaves, it should be a sign of relief that you avoided another unhealthy relationship.
The problem I see with most women is that they would rather have the man than their own self-respect. But, when you draw the line and he runs, another better man will quickly come in to replace him who mirrors your new sense of confidence and self-love. You should always put heart first.
Now, you may not always get every guy you are attracted to, but you only need one man. You might as well hold out for the man who loves you the most instead of the ones you have to convince, right? Inside of you there is an inner knowing that will lead you to the man of your dreams. Your job is to just love yourself completely and the rest will be taken care of in its own time and place.
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A couple of years ago I dated a man that I really liked…he was the first in a string of losers that I liked enough to date long-term. In most ways he was the ‘perfect’ man for me. We lived a distance apart and only saw each other on weekends. Even seeing each other only on weekends, he got less and less attentive. One weekend he told me he’d call by Friday night so we could plan the weekend. He didn’t call. I finally called him on Saturday, and he said he got “busy with his laundry” and didn’t get a chance to call. He topped it off by saying “you’ll just have to get used to me disappointing you”. Say what?? We limped along for another couple of weeks, but it was over, and he never understood why. What is it with some men??? Nothing even that good has come along since…men 50-60 years old are a dysfunctional bunch.
If you allow them to misbehave, they will. There are good men out there. Mine is 53 and absolutely wonderful. If you believe and honor yourself, a healthy relationship can be yours. If you don’t believe there is anyone better, that is what you get. You will get what you believe. Hang in there, I am sure you will find someone worthy of you!
Wow, that was powerful and a great reminder. I was in a long term (24 yrs) relationship & not married. I allowed that relationship to take the shape it did even though I wasn’t happy with it. I realize that now and when it finally fell apart, I knew why even though we both still love each other very much. I have had one relationship that is long distance and he is actually from my home town and has family. I never ever meet men at my home until we have decided to date longer than maybe 4 or 5 dates (too many crazies out there now) but I drove whenever I could to see him and even though he has family here, he very seldom came to see me except when it was convenient. He constantly asks me to come see him but I just recently got what you put in this blog and started setting my boundaries with him the same as any other man. He was just one of the few I have been really attracted to and I had a crush on him when I was 22.
I went to a conference near his home and he thought I was coming to stay with him but I never let him know I was there and he finally texted me a week later and asked when I was coming and I told him I was already home. I said I was very disappointed that I couldn’t find the time to see him but maybe when he got down my way, we could have dinner sometime. It was very hard to do that but …. I haven’t heard from him and I believe he got the picture.
He is a weakness but I have learned that I have to have the same boundaries for all men not just certain ones. Thank you so much for that reminder.
I loved Debra’s book and strongly believe in the law of attraction. I have been in such a great place and felt so confident and happy and knew love was on its way. I met someone online and it felt surreal. He was everything I wanted and wrote about! He pursued. He told me how he felt, made plans, and really dove right in. He was all about me so fast and I couldn’t believe it. We were so good for two weeks. He pursued, we had long dates, etc. Then I said I would pull my profile offline and his reaction was not what I thought. something felt off about it. We hung out a fourth night – dinner with his sister and cousin. He was way toned down and didn’t say a whole lot. Still held my hand and gave me quick kisses but the passion felt gone and something felt off or maybe he was tired. I came home waited four days then called him like I said I would. He waited till the next day, texted in the morning then texted late to say I could call him if I wanted, he was packing to go home. We talked for five minutes, that’s it! He asked on the second date to pick me up from the airport. On the third date, he asked if I would like to go to a concert the night he picks me up. All about me. Now I feel like I’m stuck. He just isn’t acting like he has been. At the end of the five minute phone call, he says why don’t I call him when I get some free time? I thought it so strange he’s putting it in my court. A friend said she could pick me up instead. I’ve thought about calling him in a few days and saying something and offering for my friend to get me. Should I be worried or is it fine? Now I don’t know what to do. I thought this stuff really worked but I can’t help feeling gipped and disappointed. What changed? Did I scare him? And what do I do now?